wingerspoonBlog

I’m hesitant to write these things out loud. I wonder if the scientists who first postulated and later confirmed that the earth is round were hesitant in a similar fashion. I’d like to think they were bold all the time, but how did their new and challenging ideas resonate in their own conscious before striking the population’s known reality upside the head?

Too bad my thoughts aren’t as groundbreaking… But I’m giving it a go!

I’m sitting in the same bedroom, in the same house, in the same neighborhood, same school district, in the same city, same state, same nation, earth, universe, that I would have sat five years ago to write a blog post. What might I have written about? Anything, really. Check out my categories to the right and browse through. See how many differing ideas and interests I dabbled in. Many of these interests have stuck with me: I still have a huge passion for music and family, and for honesty, reality, logic, and curiosity. I still love my friends even if the scenery has changed a bit. I’m even the same height and weight, eat a similar diet, and do a similar amount of physical activity. I still understand the inner-workings of a computer, I still enjoy political humor, I still enjoy pondering natural beauty in people and the world, and swimming still isn’t my favorite.

But today feels so different from that past. Indeed, my life contains blessings beyond measure; if I started a thankfulness list to share with you, it would surpass the sum of all other words on this blog. You might say my paradigm has shifted just a bit. An new umbrella now covers me – I trust Christ for my life and view anything good as having come from Father God.

For some reason I’m hesitant to write and share even that good news these days.

Everything that has happened in me and to me in the past few years doesn’t reach the masses as quickly as it once did. My excitement at a new idea or pursuit is usually limited to my mind…sometimes a close friend. It’s ironic that this is true when today’s technology lets us be connected to hundreds of friends more quickly than anyone had imagined just a generation ago. And since I would expect such technology to help me express and share, I’m actually going to blame it: Facebook and smart phones.

Facebook status updates have robbed me of the release and validation that came from sharing my thoughts and activities in more detail. Instead of catching a new idea and then taking a substantial amount of time to hash out detail in order to share a complete synopsis, I now tend to think in shorter phrases. Anything that is witty but brief. Or perhaps, profoundly short. I’ve always been into making a deep impression, be it factually, emotionally, or humorously. But my full blog post expressions that achieved this so well in the past have been pared down to curt statements that hardly begin to unlock all the thoughts and emotions that could be sown and grown in my mindgarden.

Facebook enables us to emphasize surface image and neglect truer understanding. Its much safer to analyze and judge someone from a distance. For instance, this may be through forming opinions about the stinky kid in the back of math class that no one ever talks to. Its easier to feel better about ourselves when there is distance between us and those we deem inferior.

Online socialization establishes an even safer distance. The computer chair I sit in has become so much more comfortable than it used to be because I’ve gotten used to avoiding interaction when I feel I need to. But a good friend of mine, Charlie, surmises that without awkward social interactions we don’t grow as fast. I’ll build on this and say that less face-to-face interaction altogether – awkward or not – is going to leave us socially and emotionally underdeveloped. I used to hardly sit in one place for more than an hour because I was running from one project to another, from homework, to family, to friends. Now this judgement seat is my favorite place to rest and eat up time instead of exploring or connecting.

Even outside of this judgement aspect, Facebook gives the illusion of satisfaction of our desires for social interaction with things that aren’t quite as fulfilling. We were created to be relational; connectedness is in our emotional DNA. Granted, I’m an introvert and feel drained after being with others, but I’m learning how beneficial this connectedness is for my intellect and sanity. Skimming over other peoples statuses, photos, and listed activities is NOT the level of relationship that will fill our lonely soul-holes. Facebook News Feeds end up making us feel more connected and in-the-know but give no real friendship foundation to satiate our social desires.

Smart phones are almost as evil as Facebook. They do have many amiable qualities that put them ahead of social sites, though. Like useful apps, alarms, calendars, to-do lists, cameras, contact management, and email. Fast and convenient. Even trendy and fashionable.

But something about smart phones – all phones actually – that I’ve noticed recently, is their capacity to steal us away from now, the moment we live in and the people with whom we abide. More and more I find myself interacting with people who have a phone in their hand and are glancing down multiple times (or even texting) as they speak or “listen” in conversation. Even an atmosphere that has been deemed a “hang out” or “date” is riddled with phones in our laps and beside our dinner plates. This digital communication dominates our attention and even takes precedence if interesting or important enough. And seriously, as I just wrote that last sentence, my phone buzzed by my thigh and I glanced at it – a text that I’ll now pause to look at…

See how that just disrupted my thought process? Do you realize how many times this happens to you and what you’re missing out on as a result? Since when did staring at a screen become as invigorating as shared laughter or gazing into another’s eyes?

These times of pure thought exploration and social relating, where we’re forging ahead in our mindgardens and possibly (positively) influencing others, get jolted off course. I’m as guilty as anyone. It is our free-will decision to allow distractions. But I think I’m only beginning to realize the personal consequences.

I’m someone who enjoys expressing. I’m a learner and a sharer. Even though I have hardly written on this blog in the past three years, I have maintained a journal consistently: my occasional log of things that happen during my day and my more routine reflection on things I learn in bible study and prayer. And maybe that is healthy enough. But it definitely isn’t any sort of public exploration of new ideas and learning. I don’t tend to step up and offer my views like I used to.

My fear is that our world is gradually flattening. We’re settling. We’re withdrawing into our individual, media driven lives. And tons of media tells us it is okay to be loners. It seems like the day is coming where we will prefer to fulfill our desire for relationship, closeness, and intimacy through the quick and easy touch of a button. We will all build a habit of being satisfied with a funny video, cute status, addictive game and some new pictures someone posted. Gradually our desire to know others will be replaced with an existence of sole and lonely self.

Billy (another great friend) and I agree that although individual perception isn’t reality, it might as well be. (That is another entire post.) A thousand years ago the world might as well have been flat. No one knew any better, and it really didn’t matter for life’s operation at the time. Now the earth is turning flat again by our own devices; through distraction and lack of depth. We all know the world really isn’t flat – but it might as well be.

—

Maybe I’ll try this in 2012: give myself more time for thought development and self-knowledge. Maybe we’ll all find ways to combat the depersonalization in our digital society. Toss me some comments!

My heart gets no rest
My mind finds no answers
To complete this test
I roll about in agony
Wondering which direction
My lottery will align me

I stare out of the window
Into the deep bleak gray
Ashamed that all my reasoning is colored the same
Dazed, confused for days and days
Not locating in any any
Any truth or right way to proclaim

My life’s great mistake:
A challenge in which I
Refused to partake
In infant retrospect:
A guilt, a pain,
And a lowly spirit left

Oh, love’s definition stays a
Mystification
For which I’m huntin and fishin
An invigorating
And stunning dive
Into the surrealest emotion!

Fed with the fuel of the Almighty
Love is capable
Utterly capable
Coupled with a firm decision
Love’s unstoppable
Unstoppable

But I am a failure
A sheep lost it’s way
I’m selfish, I beg and beg
What’s worst, I’m haughty
My pride doesn’t let me obey

Where I stand today
Is in no form, shape, or way
A fair representation of Christ’s love for me
But there is a flip side
To the worn and weathered coin
Forgiveness, salvation, with God will I join!

Fed with the fuel of the Almighty
Love is capable
Utterly capable
Coupled with a firm decision
Love’s unstoppable
Unstoppable

(I have my direction. My God has found me.)

-David Wingerson

This morning I stood in my room and faced the seemingly simply decision of whether of not to open up my laptop or sit down with my Bible…

I was feeling lustful since the time I awoke and knew no one else was home. If I sat down at the computer with those ideas in the back of my mind, I almost certainly would fall into sin… hundreds of situations have built up a pretty predictable track record: I would sit down and open up a “private browsing” window (just in case I ended up “needing” to go somewhere “questionable”). I would open Gmail and Facebook. Some pictures, ads, or phrases may have caught my attention and drug me deeper into tempting thoughts; maybe a status update from my ex, new pictures from someone’s winter Caribbean cruise, or a suggestively illustrated cartoon ad for women’s swimsuits.

But as I stood transfixed on this scenario, on this possible adventure into Satan’s territory, I recalled a list of Bible verses I had made while browsing through the New Testament a few days ago. (To me, if Jesus was who he said he was (which I certainly believe) then the entire Bible rings with truth and guidance for my character and relationships.)

Somehow, as I stood there, I felt I was choosing faith in eternal life or faith in eternal death. If I chose life, I would sit in my reading chair and learn more about God, gaining more understanding of His purposes for me. I would pray for his Spirit in me to cause me to flee from sin (especially sexually immorality, 1 Corinthians 6:18) and that He would continue teaching me how to rid myself of unrighteousness (1 Corinthians 8). Basically, I’d be going out on a limb, calling God’s bluff so to speak, and waiting to see if Christ really does free us from sin.

Because of my past struggles with porn, this was such a hard decision! This morning was the most aware I have been of it’s complexity. It reminds me of Jesus, perfectly blameless and never submitting to temptation (Matthew 4:1-11; Isaiah 53:9). If he had been standing there with me looking at my laptop and Bible, how hard would He (or I, for that matter) have to think on this one?

I inhaled deeply and sighed as I fell into my reading chair. As I sat, it felt like I was killing a bit of my sinful nature – not the most enjoyable feeling really – like trying to kick a familiar and comfortable habit. I grabbed my bible and flipped directly to the list of verses I had made a few days prior and began praying, reading, and thinking.

You know, I place faith in God. That means living as his servant, as one indebted to and inspired by God’s grace. It saddens me that so many do not see this grace more often because of their own walls or inhibitions, or because of the influence their surroundings, sacred or secular. To loosely quote Jim Congdon: I urge everyone to consider God’s grace in the face of our stupidity (or flat-out filth), because it is stupendous!

As I continue to battle against sexual temptation, I’m also going to make a conscious effort to pray or read the Word BEFORE I spend time on Facebook each day. And later in the day before surfing (or stalking) during a block of free time, I think I’ll hit up the Bible or phone an old friend or take a moment to catch up with my family. These are things of a more true and eternal significance: learning, growing, forgiving, befriending, loving. The internet is really too tempting anyway…

-David Wingerson

A victim of a traffic accident,
Lays, clinging to the blue knitted wool hat in her hand.
An image of low, thick fog bulging at her, imprinted in her mind,
Right before she was flung onto the snow.
This isn’t a grab at the ordinary,
Like her laughter just before the crash.

-David Wingerson

Oh God, I sit in a dark and dreary place
Flattened by the challenges I am unable to face.
I fear I am not the man you call me to be,
That I fall completely short of your divine destiny for me.

I look around and all I have is fear,
Depression, obstacles, barriers, tears.
Don’t let these overcome me,
For you are with me and will win the fight.

Christ you come into this mess to embrace me.
You lift every burden from my shoulders.
Hallelujah! I have a Savior!
The one who died just for me!

-David Wingerson

What is worse than becoming passive in your thoughts? Sometimes I feel like I’m slipping into less active thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I worry a lot whether or not I am who I once was – creative, exploring, intuitive, confident. But then sometimes I don’t do anything to change it. I used to spend hours learning the drums. I wrote daily about anything I was excited about, was learning, or was feeling. I spent the weekends hanging out with the friends I loved. It seems like my childish, curious days were strongest then – from birth till the end of high school. I loved it…high school included!

What has changed that has made me less of a seeker? I sought with all my heart, soul, with all my mind, and with all my strength in Fall of 2009. Before that I wasn’t happy, content, or joyous in any way. I was fairly unmotivated, except by things that brought me recognition and glory. After that change, I’m completely happy, content, and joyous, and I’m working on the motivated part.

Am I afraid of saying I’ll live completely, unabashedly for my Savior? Am I more afraid of being skeptical, or unique, or memorable, or of making mistakes than I was in the past? (The headline of this blog used to read “I’m not weird, I’m just memorable.”) It is interesting to note that the one thing I lived for when I first rejected God was to establish a remembrance, ‘leave a mark’ per say.

The last thing God wants from us is our worldly desires – he doesn’t care if we want to be remembered on earth. The only thing that matters is how WE remember HIM daily. How do I continue to strive for excellence and new experience when my motivation is in a whole new form? Should I not be motivated all the more, now that I live for my Heavenly Papa?

I’m not sure if God feels insulted often, but if I gave my heart to him and then decided to live like a lump, I think he may get angry…? Well, perhaps… His love IS perfect…

And what’s more is that we’re called to that perfect love. Christ wants us to be like him, and he was completely flawless. It wasn’t his worldly qualities (“Oh, look at his perfect nose”) that mattered, but the perfect love and knowledge he brought to us. I wonder if we’d recognize astonishing love like that if it walked into our world today…

I haven’t publicly written much about being saved, but this week I really have felt convicted to do so. Here is an essay I just wrote about my conversion, though there are many other awesome aspects I didn’t even share…

You may be interested in comparing this to my claims against God in Summer of 2007.

The mountain the Nerd Herd climbed, July 31st, 2009.

A Mountainous Journey
We had crested the mountain. “We did it!” and “I love you guys!” were the general chorus as we snapped photos together with our homemade Nerd Herd flag. Almost nothing compares to the wonder you experience when standing atop a mountain with your best friends, gazing for miles in every direction. As we descended the mountaintop, awe and euphoria fell to contentment, which landed on exhaustion. Back at home, I returned to my familiar, deep depression before beginning the fall semester.

After a dreary week, the school year started with band camp. I had no idea this would be the first phase of change that I would pass through on a journey to end all my despair.

Phase number one: where I began my ascent. Hans was on the drumline with me. On the first day of camp he and I ended up eating our home-lunches together in a break room while the rest of the band went out for lunch.

“You like saving money too, eh?” Hans quipped.

I laughed. “Ooooh yeah! The cheaper, the sweeter.”

And so began our discussions of money, music, people, memories, and ultimately, God. I was an non-believer. In high school I had turned away from my family’s strong ties to church. Logically and personally God made no sense, especially with all the bad things in our world. But within my deep depression, I was wanting change. I wanted to be happy, to have purpose, and to open my mind. Somehow, Hans saw this and began prodding my thoughts. Most days he brought up a new little question about what I thought about God or the Bible. But the subject didn’t dominate our conversations, as I enjoyed talking about our mutual interests more.

Phase number two: addicted to climbing. Once the semester was underway, Mandy, whom I had shouted at the top of my lungs with on the mountain trip, begged me to come check out a Christian discussion group she had started with a pastor and some friends. Because of our friendship, I couldn’t resist her offer. And besides, my interest was growing…

Discussion group was a completely new experience from the traditional church I had grown up in. I mean, these guys were excited about God and the Bible. I didn’t understand why they were putting so much stock into this gold-leafed book, and having so much fun doing it! I began going every week, occasionally throwing a log on the fire of discussion. I was the Devil’s Advocate (literally!) and the pastor always thought I was kidding, as he didn’t know of my non-belief. At the end of each session we would have time for prayer requests. Awkward. I began with concerns for my schooling or family, but never for my personal faith, even though I was wanting it more and more. The pastor’s prayer at the end always felt so real to me, like there really might be someone listening to our seemingly one-sided conversation.

Phrase number three: the false peak. Autumn came, and the leaves were turning to those colors we wish they were year-round, gracefully falling to the windswept grass. I was falling too. I was in love with a girl named Amanda, who was awesome at her art, fun to be around, cute, and a faithful Christian. I looked up to her perfectness. I found her faith so appealing, even though I didn’t have any myself (nor did I deserve a relationship with someone who had it!). In our first fun conversations she wondered about my beliefs. She learned how I didn’t trust in Christ. When we talked, I was honest about how I was beginning to enjoy faith conversations with Hans and discussion group. I thought to myself, “If only I can secure a Christian girlfriend, maybe things will all make sense! That’s where I’ll find joy!”

On our third serious meeting, we walked around campus and Amanda explained just what I didn’t want to hear.

“David, you’re a great kid. You should be happy that I gave you a chance. I mean, you’re the first guy I’ve even considered in three years!” Wow! Okay, well…thanks I guess? …And now she is going to tell me I’m “just not the one,” the same break-up reason you hear every time.

“But David, I just don’t see you being a strong spiritual leader in our relationship, and that is my number one priority. I can tell you need a relationship with God more than a relationship with me.”

Surprise! Now that is deeper than “You’re not my type,” or “It’s not you, it’s me,” or “Bluntly dear, I just don’t agree with your eating habits.” Even though I didn’t want to hear this news, I was somehow okay with it. Moreover, I was really intrigued by her God-based reasoning. We kept talking for another hour. Curiously, all the personal questions I didn’t have in discussion group started brimming forth. Amanda did her best to answer and explained some of her own faith journey. As we parted that evening, she handed me a nicely-wrapped book: Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, and explained how God had told her to break-off things with me and instead give me a gift to learn more about Him.

Phase four: understanding from a higher viewpoint. Here were three different friends entering my life in extremely interesting ways after I had been so depressed for my entire 19th year of life. What did this mean? I immediately began reading Case for Christ and found there to be some strong, logical evidence for Jesus Christ’s resurrection, other than just the Gospel accounts. I thought the Gospels were too shaky to base your faith on, but there were so many other forms of corroborating evidence I never knew about. I got excited about these new possibilities – they just made sense! Hans kept questioning me. I was still loving discussion group. And the memory of how Amanda pushed me away was strong. Why did all this happen in the course of two months? What did all these friends of mine share?

Love. Unconditional love. I began to realize how terrible I had been to so many people, especially these three people I cared about. Countless times had I neglected my friendships with Hans and Mandy, and how wrongly had I been driven by an infatuation with Amanda. Regardless, each of them had grace to love me and try to show me the well-lit path. I figured the only way they could’ve invested so much of their energy, prayer, and love in me was if they were getting it from some miraculously large source!

Even though I wasn’t sure about what this source was, boy was I thankful! I began to have moments of sheer joy and hope, things I had never experienced. I began to appreciate my family and people around me more. The Thanksgiving holiday came, and was more meaningful than it had ever been. I began to love everything about life. I saw beauty in the fact I could breathe! Just randomly remembering my heart was still beating made me extremely joyful! I distinctly remember before falling asleep one night: it literally felt like my heart was expanding and rising out of my chest as I was overwhelmed with all the love and blessings surrounding me.

After a couple weeks, I was finishing up Case for Christ. Lee Strobel wrote, “I had asked questions and analyzed answers with as much of an open mind as I could muster. Not I had reached critical mass. The evidence was clear. The one remaining issue was what I would do with it.”

I paused to reflect. Was God simultaneously prompting my friends’ ministry to me evidence enough? Was the logical satisfaction I had finally gained in Strobel’s book, evidence too? Was the sheer joy, love and opened-heart I felt the final affirmation?

Yes! YES!! And what to do with it? I chose to trust in one man, who was Jesus Christ, son of God, who came to show us His deepest love, by defeating all our sin, through death on a cross and a miraculous resurrection! One day, two-thousand years ago, God showed us our hope is justified in His promise of eternal life and love.

Phase five: believing. Without God nudging me up that mountain trail, I now realize I could not have made it. Both literally and metaphorically. God catapulted me to the top of a mountain, a new view for Life. He gave me assurance that Christ would tread back down to the base of the mountain with me, and keep right on walking with me in everyday life. Mile after mile.

You can take a hike, make a new friend, and fall in love, but it all means nothing without eternal hope. Will you see Him walking with you too?

I have completed a guide with basic information on starting or reforming a drumline in the corps style drumline. This guide will help you lead your drumline towards technical excellence and a higher level of musicality. It is designed for the average non-percussionist band director.

Get the guide here! (pdf)

Here is a video I made last fall as I was starting my music education degree.

I should start logging the time I waste while drinking a smoothie and randomly perusing the web. Tonight I just happened to decide blogging while drinking a smoothie sounded reasonable. Here I am.

Two years ago I wouldn’t touch a smoothie. I thought they were the nastiest combination of grass, old ice cream, and rotten milk that anyone could make with an old, crusty blender. Ah, but I remember one day in choir. We had a chill day/lunch/party thing, and the main event was smoothies! I’m usually more apt to try new things when in a big group, so I tried one of Mr. Doole’s signature smoothies. Surprisingly it was delicious! I told my mom about this, and she makes a big batch of smoothie goodiness every couple days now.

Like I said, I guess I’m writing this because I’m realizing its more productive to write than to just sip my smoothie and browse my favorite sites (that eat up a lot of time each day):

woot
forgetfoo
explosm
cole
google news
facebook

I must admit that whenever I’m bored, instead of reading a good book, or continuing my drum practice, I find my way to the computer and check each of those sites. It’s quite pitiful.

I must share the good news – I have done five workouts a week for the past three weeks! I’ve also been eating five or six meals a day. But eh, I’ve only gained like two or three pounds. It is a good start I guess. (I hope I’m not offending anyone with my petty talk of trying to gain…)

This has been a disjointed post (at least in my brain), so I’ll quit while I’m behind. Miqra is this weekend, though you know my stance on that type of thing already. It’ll probably be fun anyway.

Enjoy your MLKday. Thanks for reading!