I start to sink in quicksand confusion
Fully aware of the life vest I’m wearing
The sand warms my bare feet with a haunting finality.
Will this suffocate me like they really say?
What if I embrace the slow descent
and find myself so drastically changed
That I cannot right myself again?
If I let go into the far-away darkness,
I’ll land somewhere I’ve never been before.
But will I finally really know?
I think of image.
Color upon color,
History upon brokenness.
These are things I think I control.
Yours is the mind I think I console.
To try and save us all.
But I’m also the only one that sees
Inside me as I slowly sink.
The sand slyly creeps upwards
Trying to silence this loud secret.
“These things you can’t control”
“These minds you can’t console”
“You need to grab hold of hope somehow.”
A friend said recently that we tend to look to far for God, or that we try and find him in places or contexts we assume that he will be. This is unnecessary. God is everywhere. He is among us. Around us. And by his Holy Spirit, in us. We need not look far to see his beauty.
Lately, Carly and I have been rising early to take walks in our new neighborhood before running off to work. This is something we did a lot in Lubbock, the better part of an entire year. We cherished the time together, and it helped us start our mornings off right – prioritizing our marriage and talking through all sorts of plans and issues.
Now that we’re in a new home with a new career, its been very hard to connect with God. I realized that if we could just turn our eyes toward God in our daily routines, we could find ourselves much closer to him. Those squirrels chasing each other up and down tree trunks…they’re having fun because God made them and allows them to do that. The refreshing fall breeze, cold and crisp in our lungs…that’s by His design so we might breathe in life.
Romans 1 says that God’s existence has been made evident in the history of creation, that is, everything. As many composers have quoted “The Heavens are declaring the Glory of God” (Psalm 19:1). While we can look to the natural world around us and not necessarily immediately understand that God exists and loves us, we can take our knowledge of the historical God, the historical Jesus, and the church, and see that every truth becomes truer in God. Indeed, God’s work in the world is evident in so many ways.
I’m thankful that I get the pleasure of morning walks. I get the pleasure of comfort, a wonderful wife, a rewarding career, sincere friends, loving family, and downright goofy fun. God in His goodness, beautifully ordains all this for his Glory and so that we might trust him more and more.
After 10 weeks of my first year of teaching 5-12 band, we’ve had parent/teacher conferences and our first day off. After putzing around a bit this morning, and playing some fun drum stuff (see Tim Buell’s transcriptions), some reading of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows lulled me into a three hour nap.
I awoke from a dream of waiting to rehearse my high school band, who for some reason was preparing to play by gathering in the gym locker rooms. A mentor of mine had his band in the gym bleachers, waiting on mine to come out and rehearse and we were debating the best way to make things happen. As always in my dreams, there was no clarity of what was being communicated or sought. But, my off-day dreams are full of work related thoughts. I love my work, but have very little practice resting yet.
Usually I’m the one to jump on chances to take care of the house, check off menial tasks, and help us get ahead on cooking. Today, I haven’t felt that. I’m not used to this depth of fatigue. For the first time in my life, I feel honestly drained by my day-to-day work. For seven years of getting paid to earn degrees the pace of constant outpouring weighs differently. It’s much harder to see a personal task or ambition as an attainable and measured goal. I come home everyday ready to veg out. I’ve never been that way before, and would much rather not be.
I’m loving my work, but its seriously working me. So, I’m looking for the energy and the motivation and the vitality to balance life. I see a vision of me arriving home daily to eagerly greet my wife, help her with needed tasks, spend a half hour drumming or creating or catching up with a friend, and then proceeding to have a relaxed and unplanned evening with family (namely, my lovely wife). That would feel much more balanced than where I’ve been for the first part of this school year.